In July I wrote a post about how I was a Quirky Little Gemini. It was before I had stalkers..ahem I mean Followers as can be attested by the amount of comments left...er that would be zero!
Go ahead I will wait here while you read it.......
Can't be bothered? OK then....
Well in the post I touched on the fact that I am scared of commitment. Not the marrying kind of commitment (obviously as I have been happily married for 5 years...wow that went quick) but of committing to 'doing' something at the same time every week. I think it is why I never joined any clubs as a kid or did extra curricular activities that required me at 'training' or anything similar.
There are exceptions to my weird little quirky rule.
1. Relationships - I am committed to all relationships in my life to a fault sometimes.
2. Mum's Group - I relished meeting the mums every week and have made some awesome friends. We don't meet as an entire group anymore which is a shame but still keep in touch via Facebook or meeting more on a one on one basis!
3. My kids commitments - Well the only commitment Buglalugs has at the moment is sleeping through the night for mummy, but Grotbag does have commitments like school and Tae Kwon Do which is 3 times a week. I have only ever missed TKD a few times but that was due to illness, a storm and once when my brain was it's usual sievey self.
Now I am talking about regular commitments at the same time every week. Not social engagements or appointments (although I did cancel my dentist appointment two weeks ago) and I do not cancel one engagement because I another better one comes along. No, I am talking about regular commitments....like say....Meatless Monday.
Two weeks ago I started Meatless Monday. To much fanfare, I blogged about it and really love the ideology behind it. It was decided much to Hubby's annoyance, but I made a lovely Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni.
Last Monday I forgot.
This Monday I have remembered but have suddenly gone all commitment phobic on the idea. Is this something I want to do F o r e v e r? It's hard enough figuring out what to have for dinner at the best of times let alone a decent vegetarian meal. And I do love a variety of veggie meals but have had salad with my meal for the last three nights and am a bit over it. I do not I feel like a veggie meal tonight.
And this is where the problem in my head starts. Having made the 'commitment' I then want to rebel and feel that I shouldn't have to do what I don't want to do. I start resenting the 'thing' I have to do so walls start to go up. It was the same with Weight Watchers and really any kind of diet (apart from when I had gestational diabetes I stuck to that diet but really that was a form of a commitment to my child not me). If you tell me I have to do something my initial reaction is to run the other way. It's a form of self sabotage I know and a flaw in my personality I am readily able to admit.
So how do I over come it and stop listening to the voices in my head? How do I really commit to something and stick to it without resenting and hating it?
I really would like to start doing some exercise. I need to do it. And that word need in itself is making me procrastinate and not start. Oh yeah, procrastinating is another personality flaw that I currently possess. Like I should be putting clothes away and not blogging.
What am I scared of in committing? Especially when there are benefits involved.
OK yeah I know I might need some therapy on this one because I really would like to figure it out. And it is probably more deep rooted than I think. But in the mean time I will just have a veggie meal when I want one not just because of the day of the week. And I better go and fold and put the washing away!
Well at least Hubby will be happy!
Are you commitment phobic about anything? Do you feel burdened by having to do the same thing, at the same time every week/fortnight/month?